I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
