I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
