Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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