You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
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there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
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The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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