I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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