when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
