I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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