am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Randomize
