Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
