i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
