please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
