it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
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Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
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I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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