Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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