My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
