Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
