she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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