my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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