I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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