dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
