At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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