Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
