last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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