we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
