remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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