if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
