he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
