genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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