I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Randomize
