The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
