so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
