You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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