Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i just sent this text using only my big toe
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
