Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.