Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age