apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
21 Embarrassing Stories From Adults Who’ve Crapped Their Pants
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist