I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
