My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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