He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
