did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
