I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
