the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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