I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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