A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
