I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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