I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
