you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
