Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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