You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
