everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
My penis needs a shock collar
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize