Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
