well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Randomize
