so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
