just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
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we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
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Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
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