she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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