You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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