I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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