So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
