I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
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sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
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I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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