she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I still have a little drunk in my system
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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